*************************************************
From: Ellie Donahue
To: Gwen Monroe
Subject: .....

     Dear Gwen,

     Things suck.
          Ellie

*************************************************
From: Gwen Monroe
To: Ellie Donahue
Subject: ???

     Oh man.

     What's wrong chick?  What dumbass thing did that husband of yours do now?

     And can I just say that it has been way too damn long since you and I have chatted!  What the hell?  We have to stop letting this real world BS get in the way, deal?

     Now, spill.
          Your Gwennie

*************************************************
From: Ellie Donahue
To: Gwen Monroe
Subject: Blah

     Where do I start?

          Derek and I are falling apart.  His evil, heinous, bitch of a mother was here a week ago and just turned our house to shit.  I can't remember a time when she was as awful!  And of course he acted like she was perfect and pretended that everything she did was hunky dory.  That of course led to a ginourmous fight, which led to me sleeping in a bathtub with Murph, and now it's been four days and we haven't spoken to each other, unless we are in front of the kids, because I don't want them to know how freaking petty and stupid their parents are.

     I hate this.  I miss you.  And it has been too long.  We suck.

     Love,
          Ellie

*************************************************
From: Gwen Monroe
To: Ellie Donahue
Subject: RE: Blah

     Jeez.

     That woman gets worse and worse doesn't she?  OH!  Can you divorce in laws???  What the hell did she do this time?

     And are you really shocked that he pussed out this time too?  Remember senior year, when she gave you that hideous sweater for your birthday, and then told you IN FRONT OF EVERYONE, that she had gotten it for his whore of an ex, but they broke up before she could give it to her, and then Derek just stood there like it was a perfectly normal thing to say???

     Maybe when the big nasty kicks the bucket she will leave his testicles to him in her will??  You think?????

     And remind me later when you are feeling better to make fun of you for saying "hunky dory".......

     Gwen

*************************************************
From: Ellie Donahue
To: Gwen Monroe
Subject: Whiiiiiiiiiiiiine

     Hardy har har.

     Hunky dory is a totally cutting edge saying here in suburbia I assure you.

     I forgot about that sweater thing.  God, she really has ALWAYS been a nasty bitch hasn't she.  I should have run when I met her shouldn't I?  But then I wouldn't have Abbie or Ollie, and that would really suck.  It makes me shiver sometimes though to think that my sweet babies share that tainted In Law DNA.

     The Wicked Witch of the WASP Set keeps doing this.  I can't understand it.  I am a nice person dammit!  Why in the heck would someone be this evil?  It is so frustrating that Derek just sits there and looks the other way.  I don't want to put him in the middle, but at some point he should just get off his ass and set her straight, right?  I wanted to cry every day that woman was here, and not because of all the mean crap she did, but because he just let her.  I would never let someone talk to him the way she talks to me.  I would never let anyone talk to someone I loved like that.

     Maybe that's it.  Maybe he just doesn't love me anymore.  He sure hasn't acted like he does in a long time.  I can't remember the last time he really kissed me.  You know, a deep, I-love-you-to-the-tips-of-my-toes kiss.  Even just a hey-you-washed-my-underwear-and-I-dig-you-for-that kiss.  Our sex life sucks too.  I am fairly certain that if we do it in the missionary position just one more time, that we will officially become missionaries....

     Everything we do is so boring, so routine, so nauseatingly predictable.  We don't even talk to each other hardly (when we are actually speaking to each other that is) because we already know what the other person will say.  I used to think that knowing another person that well was a good thing, even something to strive for, but now, I don't know.  It sure doesn't feel like a good thing.  It feels like our marriage is in the pooper.

     Man.  Back in the day we were actually fun to be around.  And not even just before the kids were born, even after, we could do fun things, and have a great time with each other.  Now I swear, it's like we're roommates instead of husband and wife.  Roommates that occasionally have dry white toast sex, but roommates nonetheless.   Why aren't we like that anymore?  You know what, Gwen?  I feel like he just gave up.  Checked out or something.

     Yeah.  The big jerk just expects me to go on about my business and put in all the effort while he sits in front of that stupid TV, or laptop, and he just gets to show up and rake in all the benefits!  Why should I have to be the one that has to do all the work?  Even worse, why should I try at all if he clearly doesn't even give a shit?

     I am just so sick of all this.  I am sick of his mom.  I am sick of his petty crap.

     Maybe I am sick of him.

     My heart hurts.  I don't understand what is going on.  I just don't.

     Why?  WHY???  Why couldn't he be a friggin' man and stand up to her?  Why is he blaming me for all, scratch that, for any of this?  He should be apologizing to me!

     Sorry.  I guess I got a little vent-y didn't I?

     Enough of my crap.  How are you doing babe?  Still seeing that Stock Trader Guy?

     Whine-ily Yours,
          Ellie

*************************************************
From: Gwen Monroe
To: Ellie Donahue
Subject: RE: Whiiiiiiiiiiiiine

     Girlie you know you can whine to me whenever you want!  All the times you've listened to my dramatic B.S.!

     What happened to Derek???  He used to be such an awesome guy, but he sounds like he is just turning into a bigger ass every day.  And for real, somebody needs to tell him that the whipped little momma's boy look is totally not attractive on a man.  Kind of like wearing shorts with sandals and black socks...  Somebody really needs to smack some sense into that boy!  Want me to do it??  PLEASE???  Oh that would be sooooooooo much fun!!!

     I feel so bad for you, you sound so sad.  Well, as much as you can "sound" over e-mail I guess.

     I tell you what, ditch that crabby little man you married, and you bring those two cute kiddos of yours and come up here and live with me!  It'll be great!  We can be like Thelma and Louise, but you know without the poufy hair. Oh,and I say we don't take a swan dive off a cliff at the end....  I'll introduce you to all kinds of yummy men, and trust me baby, I will make damn sure there is no possible chance that you'll become a missionary, lol!

     Think about it!

     And no, I am not seeing Stock Trader Guy.  I was staying at his place one night, and was looking for a toothbrush, okay, wait, that is a total lie.  I was scrounging through his bathroom shit for funnsies.  Don't judge me!  You never know what guys are hiding!  Shrunken heads, medication for herpes, or panties that aren't yours.  That is particularly scary because if you do find a lacy thong lying around then you have to wonder if he is cheating on you, or if he wears it himself.  Neither scenario is what I would call a winner.

     Or in the case of Stock Trader Guy, you could pop open the medicine cabinet and find Rogaine and Viagra.  Yeah.  You heard me.  So he was losing his hair, and couldn't get it up.  Fabulous combo.

     Soooooo that was the end of him.  BUT!  Now I am seeing Public Relations Guy, and girl, let me tell you....  There is nothing thin on top, and he certainly doesn't need any assistance down below, either!  I'll keep the long, hard (ahem) details to myself, 'cause I wouldn't want to scar your little domesticated eyes with the blow by blow (ahem again) of my tales of debauchery.

     Damn, I have a meeting in like two minutes, so I gotta run!

     Later hot stuff!

     Love,
          Gwen (if PR Guy was any bigger he would look like a tripod) Monroe

*************************************************
From: Ellie Donahue
To: Gwen Monroe
Subject: RE: RE:Whiiiiiiiiiiiiine

     A tripod?

     Why is it that whenever you tell me about some guy you are seeing I feel like I need to take a shower?  You naughty little minx you....

     I have to agree that the Viagra/Rogaine combo would probably have freaked me out a little bit too.

     But what do I know, I get beat up by my mother in law, and my husband doesn't even like me!

     He pretty much said that, by the way.  That he didn't like being around me since no one else likes me either.  Yeah that wasn't like a big punch in the eye or anything.  That's what you want your husband to say to you.  Really melts a gal’s heart!

     I am freaking out here.  It has been a week now.  Nothing.  He still isn't talking to me, and I am determined not to fold first because I am telling you, he is wrong!  There is no other way to look at it, right?  He has to be wrong!  She bought me a teeny shirt and made me put it on in front of her and my family just so I could look like a big fatty when the buttons popped off.  She set me up to screw up a nice dinner I spent all stupid day cooking!  When I got ready to go to some stupid fancy restaurant that she wanted us to go to on her last night in town and when I came out with a little eye makeup on she looks at me and says, "Oh, you have some makeup on!  You actually look a little bit nice!"  Those are not things a normal human does to another human!!!  And how can he not see that?  I understand not wanting to get after your own mom, and wanting to keep the peace with your parents, but this is insanity!  It's like she woke up and decided that she was going to really hit it hard to try and split us up or something!

     You know I really bet that is it.  She never wanted us together in the first place, and now she has decided that she will break us up no matter what!  She is just that vindictive, I am telling you.  She switched after the kids were born acting all insanely nice, with her inner bitch poking through whenever possible, but now it's like she is pulling on her gloves and trying to toss me to the mats once and for all.

     Did I just make a boxing reference?

     Man.  Wouldn't that just make her day if we actually split up?  Then she could sit in her big, fancy house, drinking her pretentious wines, and laughing about that stupid little lower class mongrel her darling son used to be married to!!!

     Oh man, I refuse to let that happen.  I will not give her the satisfaction of ruining my marriage.

     God.  That means I have to cave first, doesn't it?

     Damn her.
          Ellie

*************************************************
From: Gwen Monroe
To: Ellie Donahue
Subject: Buttons?

     Okay.....

     So, what about buttons popping?  And please tell me that she didn't really say that to you about the makeup...  That does seem especially bitchy, even for her.  Wow, I would have punched her in the boobs or something for that.  If you want me to, I will do it for you!  I do love a good bitchy throw down!

     Personally, I think you should just smack Derek upside the head until he gets it, but obviously I am not one to advise on the topic of marriage.  Now, if you want the low down on how to keep from getting a concussion after a night of repetitious headboard banging, then I am your girl.

     The secret is pillow placement and adequate hydration, in case you were wondering.

     Although a good sex injury always makes for a good story at parties!

     Sorry babe, but it sounds like you are going to have to be the bigger person here.  If you have people on the outside trying to fuck things up, then you need to always be on the offense.

     Wow.  You make a boxing reference, and I said offense.  What is this world coming to???

     Really though, maybe we can figure out a way to get him to see your side.  I absolutely refuse to let you just bend over and take all this crap.  Just look at this like you are breaking the silence just to keep the peace, but secretly we will be behind the scenes figuring out how to beat some sense through the Mommy Helmet on his head.

     Oh, and check it out, I met the HOTTEST investment banker last night at this club, and we are going out tonight!  He is so gorgeous, I swear when I saw him sitting at the bar, my panties flew off.  I am thinking tonight will sexalicious.  Mmmm....  God, he was yummy.

     Keep me posted on what happens!
          Gwen

*************************************************
From: Ellie Donahue
To: Gwen Monroe
Subject: Is Sexalicious Even A Word???

     Sexalicious?  Aren't we a little too old to be using words like that? And aren't you seeing PR Guy?  Please tell me you aren't still doing the seeing two guys at once thing?  How do you keep up with that!?!  We are the same age, and while you are out juggling two guys and having concussion sex, I am reading a book called "365 Different Ways To Cook Hamburger" and needing to be in bed by 10.  You must stop this insanity, you are making me feel old.

     I finally broke the silence last night.  After the kids went to bed, I swallowed any little bit of pride I had left and apologized to Derek.  I should note that the whole time there was a voice in my head chanting "YOU'RE NOT WRONG, YOU'RE NOT WRONG!!!"  Cause I wasn't.

     Anyway, I told him I was being overly critical, and that I shouldn't have been so sensitive around his mom.  I almost threw up a little bit when I said that, let me tell you.

     I am really glad I did say I was sorry though, because after I did, he apologized too, and told me that I was right, that she had been a big bitch, but he didn't want to have to pick sides.  Then we talked a bit, had a glass of wine, and hugged it out.

     I am still pissed, don't get me wrong.  I don't care if he wants to pick sides or not, he should have said something after one of the hundreds of crappy things she has done to me over the years.  We all have to do things we don't like.  I mean God, we are all adults here, we can't have it all fine and dandy all the damn time.  He needs to grow up.  Cutting the cord would be a good start...

     Whatever, I am sticking with the plan.  I have got to figure out a way to get this insanity to stop because I can't live like this for the rest of my life.  Screw that, our marriage isn't going to last through a whole lot more of this ridiculousness.

     I know that isn't all of our crap.  We have a lot of stuff that isn't flowing the right way, and I know we have some work to do.  And by ‘we’ I am sure that means me, but I am determined to try my best.  I just have to.

     I feel so bad though, poor Ollie and Abby are stuck in the middle of all this.  Abby asked me yesterday if Daddy and I hated each other because we’re acting grumpy with each other.  I wanted to die.  I thought we had been pretty civil in front of the kids and had done a good job of not letting them know how crappy things were going, but looks like not so much.  I feel just awful.  I don't want them to have to worry about this stuff.  I just told her that we had a little argument, like when she and her brother fight.  Sure, you may be angry, but you know you still love each other.  She seemed to take that as a good explanation, but that was the final straw of me deciding to put up the white flag.  I am feeling like a crappy mommy.

     I decided to kind of butter her up and signed her up for this summer soccer camp thing she has been begging for.  It is expensive and it is every stupid weekday for most of the summer, but this is a perfect example of parental guilt at its finest.  It is a blinding force, that guilt.  Seriously, if she would have asked me for a car and to start smoking, I probably would have given in.  Sigh.

     Oh holy crap.  If I am actually taking my child to soccer every day, that officially makes me a soccer mom, doesn't it???

     NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

     Oh well.  At least my husband is speaking to me again.  I am going to try really hard to play nice for a while so I can lure him in with my calm demeanor before I slam shut, venus flytrap style, and get him to tell his mother to fuck off.

     Yeah.  That'll happen.  Eh, it's worth a shot.  Better than the total speech embargo!

     Kisses honey!
          Ellie

*************************************************
From: Gwen Monroe
To: Ellie Donahue
Subject: Oooh, Guess What???

     Hey Sexy,

     Investment Banker Guy was so boring.  It was unreal.  Then I got a few martini's in him (how cliche, right?) and OMG he turned back into the hot guy I first met at the club!  Guess he was drunk then, too!  Kind of re-lit my fire, and I thought I'd give him one more shot.  Drunk Investment Banker Guy is totally sexy, completely delicious, and a wild man to the point that I pulled a muscle in my leg!  Sober The Morning After Investment Banker Guy on the other hand was back to being a huge dull dud and had me sneaking out while he took a shower, and limping home thanks to the leg muscle thing, and dreaming about his Drunken version!!

     See, and that is why I kept dating PR Guy!  He actually has some promise, but I can't be putting all my eggs in one basket now can I!?

     Man, that must have stung when Abby said that....  God she is a smart little shit isn't she?  Totally takes after her Mommy!

     Okay, and I let "hunky dory slide", but now you went and "fine and dandy"-ied me.  This must end.

     I am really proud of you for being the bigger person and burying the hatchet.  I of course feel that you were totally right, so I think you should have buried the hatchet into that botch of a mother in laws back, but hey, that's me.  I am really glad he fessed up to some of the bullshit too, though.  Would have pissed me off even more if he hadn't.

     NOW!  I have some good news!  It seems that I have a meeting in Chicago in two weeks, so I decided to spend an extra day so that I can spend it with my super awesome best friend, who is obviously in need of a little spice in her life!  I shall be your cayenne sweetie, so look out!  Might even slap some smart back into that husband of yours when I get there!

     I'll give you the details as soon as I get them, but yay!  It has been, what, six months since we last hung out?  Way too damn long!

     And when I get there, if I catch you driving around with one of those stupid soccer ball window cling things in your car, I am going to bitch slap you.  Fair warning.

     Kiss!!
          Gwennie

*************************************************
From: Ellie Donahue
To: Gwen Monroe
Subject: RE: Oooh, Guess What???

Holy cow!  Uh, wait, not cow...  How does it go?
Oh, yes....

     Holy shit!  (Ah, that felt better.)  You are coming down here!?  Oh, honey, you have no idea how much I NEED to see you!  I am in desperate need of the cayenne!

     I am so excited I am actually dancing a little while typing this on the laptop at the kitchen counter.  Oliver is looking at me oddly.

     When you get here I can give you my motherly lecture on you sleeping with a guy when you know you don't actually like him.  I will pretend that I don't live vicariously through your little romps.

     I can't wait to see you!  Derek said he is looking forward to it too.  I think when the three of us are together, even for a moment, it makes us remember that we used to be normal human beings back in college when we all used to hang out.  I am hoping you can shoot some life back into him.  If that doesn't work, I give you permission to slap the smart, as you say, back into him. See you oh so very soon!

     Love,
          Ellie

     P.S.  Not to put you out, but, if you have any extra slapping urges, I would love to introduce you to a lovely woman named Natalie.  I think you would just love her....