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Random McGrumpypants

Hello my loves!

First let me toss out that I have a huge list of people’s blogs that I have been intending to add to my blog roll, but since the whole ACAW party is being redone, and my web-badass/husband is wrapped up in school/work/being married to a wildebeest, he is a bit overbooked currently so I am letting it slide.

I have a headache. That is a lie actually. I have a migraine. A really hardcore, split your brain in four pieces, blur your vision, make you feel like you are going to puke when you breathe kind of migraine. Is really pleasant. I have had it for almost three weeks. You read that right. Three weeks.

If you are thinking this is no big whoopity doo, well then, you have never had a migraine of this caliber and you can suck my stinky toe.

It actually isn’t the same one that has lasted this long. I seem to get a new one every day. Or, it goes away jsut enough at some point that i think I will live, and then comes back again, stronger after it’s rest. It is an asshole.

See, I have back problems. Missing part of my spine and all, having an overgrowth of bone in another spot, it has given me a big fat issue. There isn’t much I can do about it besides pain management I am told.

Now, non-pregnant me takes lots of pretty pills for this. I have vocodin, muscle relaxers, and anti-inflammatories, in addition to having a husband that rubs the hell out of the ganked out muscles. Even still, I hurt a lot.

Pregnant me, however, is severely effed. You see, Captain Fetus here isn’t quite as into the drug scene, and I am not allowed to take anything. Actually, they cleared vicodins, but I am too paranoid to actually take anything. So the fact that in the last three months I have had to one vicodin on five separate occasions should tell you haw bad things are. Remember the fact that I never took so much as a tylenol after my c-section. Seriously. So it’s not like I can’t tolerate pain.

In a few months, The Captain will be big enough, and sitting on top of my ribs no less, that it will force my back to straighten up in a way that isn’t it’s usual curve. Then I will be in heaven. There will be no pain, I will be in total bliss. This happened with Lola, and was joy beyond joy, I can’t emphasis this enough.

Until then however, I am completely useless. Like, I can’t stand up without this horrible pressure feeling like the top of my head is going to burst off and my brain come oozing out in a pitiful liquid. Not to mention the dizziness. And the need to hurl. So I am not getting much done around the house. Let’s just say we have resorted to paper plates for the time being…

I will probably go to the doc for it all, but honestly, what are they going to do for me? Insurance in the universe blows ass and doesn’t cover massage therapy which is the one thing that would help a mama out, and I refuse to take a bunch of drugs. So, blah. Expect to hear a whiny Summer until CF hits his stride and makes his home on the ribs.

In other news, I realize that my faith in humanity has been shaken a bit. Like, I don’t really enjoy being in the company of people anymore. I love my internet peeps because it is simple, and protected online in that you have time to think about what is being said, and what not. Even still, I am sure most would agree I have been very removed the last six months or so.

Last year really shook me. The last two years really. I was thinking today, now that we are surrounded by house stuff again, how I would rather let the house be foreclosed on than to ever let anyone even suggest renting to me. This is the old house we rented out by the way, not the one we live in.

But I meant it. I would have rather seen this house go off into nothing than to hear one more person tell me all the reasons why giving them a chance is a good plan. Besides the fact that the damage and residual stuff has been enough to make the house worth like a third of what it was when we moved out, and of course the fact that we have a court order agains one set of renters to the tune of *FOUR GRAND* that we know we will never ever see.

You know, most people would be bothered to have a judgment against them.

We had to have people in the house today. I haven’t been there since last year. I can’t go there anymore. My childhood home, by the way. But I can’t set foot within a mile of the place. It kills me. One to see what it has become, what happened to it when I thought I was doing the right thing, but the memories of all the crap that went down because of it.

The time the scary ass renter guy hid in the closet while we were showing the place. Or when he drove his truck all dangerously by us through the yard as we were walking across it, and kicked gravel back at us with his tires. Or the friendships ruined. Or the suffering our little family has gone and is going through financially trying to make it all work. The mean and stupid things people say when their mistakes catch up to them.

I really despise that renter guy. Like, it makes my stomach hurt like hell to think about him. Not helping Mr. Migraine.

Gah.

I hate the house now. Just, so much rage. I want it to be gone. I thought it would be by now, but we haven’t been able to get it back into good enough shape to make that happen. Seems like the only way is to get hosed for literally 60 to 80 grand, but at least then it would be over.

BLAHHHHHHHHH. This is what I think about all this mess.

The sad thing, the thing that has me rambling about this mess right now, is that I realized today, while staring off into nothing in a memory haze, that I am not as nice as I used to be. I don’t go out of my way to help people anymore. I mean, if I see something that needs assistance, I still do it, but I don’t jump up to rally the troops like I used to. I was always the shirt off my back kind of gal, and after I was left naked and pissed off, I don’t risk it anymore.

It sucks because people used to tell me I would wake up one day and stop putting others first. They would say I would get screwed over and become jaded like the rest of the world. And yet, time and time again, I kept trucking, thinking, well if this didn’t kill the spirit, nothing will, so suck it jaded world. But no, late last year, that part of me left. And now I am very removed from my ’save the world’ self, and find the remainder of me musing often how really, I just don’t like people anymore.

Well I best be off. Mr. Migraine and I appear to be set to spend an intimate evening together, and I also have a baby who has been attacked by her own buggy and has spent the evening puking.

I hope you all are having a lovely week, and even the sour side of me really means that, lol.

Until next time,

Peace, Love and *EXHALES*