Moments of Mortification and the Debut of Captain Fetus
Hello my loves!
Today was a very special day! We were finally visually and audibly introduced to Captain Fetus! It was to be the standard twelve week heartbeat appointment, but, the gods were smiling on my unending nosiness regarding the inner workings of my uterus, and we weren’t able to catch the sound on the doppler, so to the ultrasound we went!
Even luckier, our doc has recently updated their equipment and now have a newer, more powerful ultrasound machine, so I didn’t have to have the dreaded “Cone” version. Women, you know what I am sayin’…
I of course burst into tears when I saw it’s little foot. I for some reason burst out that it was a boy, but then I heard the heartbeat was 160, so I am just as clueless as I was before as to what is growing in there. With Lola, I knew straight away, GIRL. This time around, to be honest, up until the doc reassured me for the fourth time, I was convinced there were two in there. If you have been hearing how much I have been eating, you would understand…
On June 1st, we go for the biiiiiig ultrasound, the boy or girl one. The one where it is in 3D and you get to see like an actual little face… For one of these with Lola, she was sticking her tongue out. I fell so hard in love with that little gal then, and it would be months until I met her. The tech was so amused she asked if she could put a copy of the picture on her wall in the room where the ultrasounds happened. To my knowledge, it is still there. It would be incredible to see it when we go to check out Captain Fetus!
Because it is my lot in life to share embarrassing stories, I have a few special moments from today to pass along. I feel the Universe piles the humiliation on my for the sole purpose of the enjoyment of others. My gifts to you, lol.
I was scheduled to have an exam today. BOO. Prep started last night, leg shaving, toenail painting, all the distractions to have in place that even though you sweat over, your doctor couldn’t give less of a crapsicle about as he is up to his wrists in vagina. Why stress about it? Because the distraction is to make you think of anything but the fact that well, some dude is wrist deep in your vag. Yeah.
Men have it easy. Turn your head and cough, you poor bastards. Hmph.
Well, when you first get to the doc, you are sent to pee in a cup, which is always a stellar way to start a day. As soon as I assume the position of cup placement, a mom and here maybe four year old enters the bathroom, and the mom heads into the only other stall to potty. Again, I am hovering over a toilet, cup holding hand in the crotch-ular area, and trying to focus on the act of peing when all of a sudden, a freaking four year old crawls under the door and into my stall.
She starts talking to me, and while I am normally quite tolerant of others tots, I was not in the most forgiving position, and her mom keeps trying to get her attention. Giggly, intrusive child is undeterred.
Finally I had to kind of snap at her, “Sweetie, PLEASE???” and she crawled away, still hovering near the bottom of the door.
Get to the business of peeing, which was a bit harder with the tension, and discover a new issue.
See, sprucing up is key, but I also decided to wear a new pair of maternity undies because well, Mommy always said to wear clean undies in case a doc has to see you.
Downside is that these new *black* undies seemed to have created a lint situation. I looked at my tinkle cup, and well, it was literally covered with super fine black undies fuzz. I checked and sure enough, so was I.
I am WTF-ing the stupidity of the situation, and make a mad dash to rectify things as much as possible when Nosey McBrattypants sticks her head under my damn door again. How the hell long does it take her mom to pee?!?!?!
I had to give up. I was getting a bit worked up about all of it, so I just decided that the doc was going to have to focus on my awesomely shaved legs and dainty toenails instead of the fact that my business was at the moment easily confusable with a dryers lint trap.
When the nurse took my blood pressure it was elevated. I shot out a slightly hysterical laugh and spared them the possible cause for that fact.
The highlight of my baby doc trip, aside from seeing the Captain for the first time, was that the doc had in fact decided that I did NOT need an exam after all. I squealed. Thank you Universe!
Later, when I was showing the ultrasound picture to Lola’s teachers and another student asked what we were looking at, I told her it was a pic of a baby. She said it didn’t look like one. I said it was because it was still in my belly. She gasped loudly and horrified asked, “Why did you ate it!?!?!” Well, now…
So my day had several red faced moments, but I keep forgetting about them in favor of little fetal feeters, and playing dolls with the Lola all afernoon, and sitting out on the patio with my little family, Lola frolicking in the grass, and Drew and I barbecuing chicken for dinner together. Blissfully awesome day. Mortification aside, of course…
For now, I am off to watch Idol Gives Back with the hubs and eat an enormous bag of Skittles whilst doing so.
I hope you all are having a ridiculously awesome week! (Sammy, you are omitted from that as well, there is no way to add flower smell to the shiz bath you have been taking lately. Love to ya man.)
Until next time my dears,
Peace, Love, and Lint Traps!!!!
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Ha! The link worked!
Embarrassing but true story that I probably shouldn’t mention, but will. So three weeks ago, I go to the doctor. Like I do, weekly. The week before, her nurse told me that in 2 weeks, I’d start having weekly exams. Well, since this was just one week, and my mom had kept Rhi overnight, Shane and I decided to engage in some, um, adult extracurricular activities before my appointment. When I get there, my doc comes in and says, “Hey, I’m just gonna go ahead and check you and do the group b strep test today, ok?” No! No it wasn’t ok! I mean, yeah, I’d showered and all that post activity, but I’m always convinced that my ob will know what I’ve been up to anyways, and even though she’s probably aware that that’s how I got into this situation, it still mortifies me. Plus I for sure had not shaved my legs or anything like that. Like at all. Ok /overshare. Lol.
Other people’s kids at the ob infuritate me. Not because of the kids themselves but because for some reason half the moms seem to assume that they can let their kids just do whatever. Um, no. Rein in your kid. Normal kidness is one thing, letting them act totally out of control is another.
My preschool kids have asked me every day if I’ve had my baby yet. Even though I am still huge. Luckily, although they get that she’s in my tummy, theyhave yet to ask why or how. Thank god.
You know, some women have the ability to tell whether they’re having a boy or a girl before the ultrasound. When referring to CF in a gender form do you say he or she? More than likely, if you think it’s a boy, it’s a boy!