Hello dearies!

I am lying in bed, having slept until 12:30, and am munching a Hershey’s with almonds and drinking water like it’s going out of style.  My body has been taken over by a super powered fetus thingie.

Seriously.  I remember a few things that were similar when I was first pregnant with Lola.  I couldn’t stop eating tuna then.  I loved it, wanted it all the time.  Of course then I read about mercury poisoning and freaked which ended that, but I am in the same boat again.

Last weekend, and I have been incredibly judged for this, lemme tell you, my eternal craving for protein got out of hand.  I couldn’t sit still or sleep for a whole day because I couldn’t stop thinking about wanting nachos.  BBQ nachos from this place in town.  Well, lying in bed, not able to move on, I realized I didn’t want exactly those nachos, I wanted them, but with tuna.

So yeah, for lunch that day, I sat down to a heaping plate of blue corn chips with melted shredded cheese, black beans, tomatoes, green onions, sour cream, an entire can of tuna, all covered with sweet BBQ sauce that I actually went to the restaurant to get.  Drew was so impressed/horrified, he made me take a picture of it.

I wish I could say I am sorry, because lord knows how freaking disgusting that mess all sounds, but I am so not.  It was delicious.

Also this week, I ate about two thirds of an entire rotisserie chicken all by my little self.  I felt like a hyena.

Can’t help it.  This spawn wants protein and it wants it now.

Went to the doc on Tuesday, got a nice once over and blood tests and all that.  Was nice to hear it all officially that, “Yep, you be knocked up right nice!” from a doctor.  Although, perhaps he did word it a bit more professionally…  It is strange that even though your body is telling you that it is being taken over, and the home pregnancy tests are flashing double lines left and right, you still have that question in your head of, perhaps I am just loony….

With the official word in place, so begins all the fun “Here Comes Another One!!!!” preperations.  You sit there and think, oh shiz, I have to paint the guest room and make it a nursery (At which point you giggle insanely at the realization of the word.), you have to dig up the box of maternity clothes, you have to prepare your precious Lola for her staring role as big sister, you have to baby proof a house, you have to create a birth plan, you have to pick NAMES!!!!  Dear god, we are wasting time, this fetus has NO NAMEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

Then at some point, a couple days later, it hit me that, dang, things seem to be moving rather slowly, don’t they?

I love how the appearance of a positive pregnancy test can incite that kind of panic that oh crap, there will be a baby here TOMORROW!!!!!  But then you realize that your own pants do in fact still fit, so back away from the stretchy waisted garb, and that you do not yet have a giant, protruding belly, and that quite frankly, no one can see or notice you are pregnant even in the slightest.

And now, even though I have technically only been awake for less than four hours, I am quite tempted to embrace a nap.

I hope you all are having a lovely weekend!!

Until next time,

Peace, Love, and BBQ Tuna Nachos….

Well hello my dears!!

So.  Yep!  I am pregnant!  With child.  Knocked up.  Carrying spawn.

TEEHEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Last year, Drew and I had sort of half-assed our way into procreating again, but real life kept throwing a wrench into the plans, making things as said, half-assed.

The last day of January, we sat around saying it was time to try again soon, and decided that for the first time, we were putting this in top form as now that all the house drama, cancer scares and other such nonsense was out of the way, we could focus all our energy on, well, ya know…

Aaaaaaaaaaaand, now I am four weeks pregnant, lol.

So clearly, it was time, lol.

I had actually been certain I wasn’t though!  I took a test over the weekend and it came up negative, and I thought I was about to get a visit from Flo and all her whorishness, so I have been really grumpy this week.  I have also been moody as hell and chugging milk like a newborn calf, but I chalked this up to me always being weird.  I can’t tell you how many times I would have thought I was pregnant and I big fat wasn’t, lol.

So just for fun, I decided to take a test this morning.  And after having gone through a weird thing with Lola where I couldn’t get a positive pregnancy test even though me, the docs, and everyone knew I was, I am sure you can imagine my surprise when I was watching the piddle make it’s way across the stick and the positive line showed up even before it hit the test line!!!

I was in total shock, like, seriously.

I waited a few hours, and took another, and sure enough, the line lit up even before the test strip activated!!

Now, cut to me bouncing around for a good eight hours with the knowledge that I am pregnant and not being able to tell Drew!!!  I didn’t want to unload it over IM or the phone, and since he thought this month was over thanks to the negative test, I knew he had no clue at all.

Jumping around I know, but when he got home, i broke the news by having Lola present him with the pregnancy tests, at which point she proudly declared, “Look daddy, STICKS!!!!!”  Drew sat there, jaw to the floor, eyes bugged, and would alternate deep breaths, with buggier eyes, with a weird smile, with staring into space.  Was pretty awesome and I have some of it on video, although he did it for like half an hour, LOL!!!

Lola is thrilled about this whole little brother or sister thing, especially since she has been asking me to get on it for like six months.  She seems particularly thrilled that, “We are gonna grow a baby, real big!  A giant one!”  Well, alrighty then!!

Doc appointment next week, and already spoke to the doc today, as, not to tarnish the glow of the good news, the reality is that I am a high risk pregnancy, and on some meds that the doc is leaving up to me whether I want to take or not.  They are all cleared, but I hate taking anything when pregnant.  Also I panicked that I’d had two glasses of wine with my MIL last week, but my doc assures me the kid won’t have two heads, so wee!!

Preliminarily, I am about 4 weeks along, and due approximately November 5th.  I may get my Halloween baby yet!!

I am off to gorge even more Chinese food, and chug more milk, because, damn dude, the milk…  How I didn’t just know I was pregnant i will never understand, lol.  I was snarfing food and chugged an entire bottle of water and Drew goes, “Damn honey, you are SO pregnant.  This whole last week makes soooooo much sense to me now….”

I hope you all are having an awesome week, and w00t to TGIF tomorrow!!!

Until next time,

Peace, Love, and Phantom Baby Take 2!!!!!

Hello my sweets!!

Ten years ago today, I was a single college student with a deeply rooted hatred of all things Valentine’s.  Having always been single for the cursed holiday, all it reminded me of was being alone, and having to sit through the damned V-Day parties in grade school where we sat with our little brown paper “mail bags” where other students placed the required cards.

See, the teachers sent home a list, and it was written on that list that if you were going to give a card to someone in the class, then you had to give one to everyone, lest one of the more pathetic kids get their feelers hurt.

Guess who was the pathetic kid?

Yeah, I still get stomach pains remembering sitting at my desk, looking inside the little bag that I had happily decorated with all the other kiddos.  Glitter, stickers, markers galore, and that feeling if optimism that this year, you wouldn’t be forgotten.

Instead, I would watch as everyone else dumped their bags out, ooh-ing and ahh-ing over the mounds of cartoon-y and schmaltz covered cardboard, and the bestest kids would flash the various magical candies that their “significant others” or BFF’s had given them.

I on the other hand, would be staring into an empty paper bag.  Every effing year.  I was that sad-ass kid that the teacher would keep a box of empty valentines in their desk in case of emergency to go and tuck one into the bag of the kid who had none so they wouldn’t feel as loser-ish, which of course, only made you feel worse.

I wasn’t the only kid that suffered through this of course, there were four or five of us that were deemed unworthy, but at the same time, i never understood why they all would make sure to give cards to the cool kids, but not the other outcasts.  I mean, five cards is better than none, yeah?  They should have all stuck together methinks.  I guess the idea was that if the coolios were being selective, then they should as well.  Ahh, grade school politics.

I always gave out all the cards.  Sometimes I would debate holding out and not giving them to the people I didn’t like, and obviously, they wouldn’t be giving one to me, so why bother?  But, seeing how I was apparently the only person paying attention to the Golden Rule in kindergarten, I knew how bad it felt to know I was being left out, and I never wanted to make anyone feel that bad.  Not that they would have noticed if I hadn’t doled one out for them I would wager.

So yeah, thanks to the Vietnam style flashbacks that Valentine’s Day brought about, I never gave two shits about the festivities other than wishing they would end quickly.

At the time however, I was actually tinkering around with a few fellas at school.  Keep your mind clean people, I wasn’t banging my way through dear old VU.  But there were two guys I was rather interested in, and one guy that was interested in me, but that I wasn’t vibing on, since well, I was already thinking the happy thoughts for two others, and who wants to be greedy?

But I felt bad for the poor dude who was into me.  He had been making his crush rather clear, although not in a hugely obvious way.  He was a good buddy, and i liked him.

But he loathed V-Day as much as I did, and i dug him for that.

I had gone out with a friend to buy Valentines cards for all my theatre friends, just for funnsies.  And while shopping, I started thinking about the boy who was just as bummed deep down that day as I was, and I got hit with the desire to try and cheer him up.  I was struck by this cloth rose that played a cheesy song and had a neat flower smell to it, and it made me think of a nice way to lighten his spirits.

V-Day afternoon, after my classes, I headed to the boys room, and told him that I had a present for him.  I informed him that even though I was steadfast with my Valentine’s bitterness, that I wanted him to turn it all around, and I presented him with the rose and a card.

The reasoning behind the rose was that since it was cloth, he could hang onto it from then on, and every year thereafter, could look at it, and remember that he’d had one good Valentine’s Day

Cheesy, perhaps.  Go with it.

He then said that later on, he had a gift for me as well.

Panic set in.  I knew what the gift was going to be.  He was going to try and kiss me.  Eek.  See, I was very sure that I was set in the friend zone with this guy, and i didn’t want to hurt his feelings by not kissing him back.  I felt this would negate all the good work that the perma-rose had done.

I was in a play at the time, we were currently in rehearals, and I had a chance to escape the boys room by saying it was time to go to the theatre.  Being smitten with me as he seemed to be, he had been joining me at these rehearsals for a few weeks, dutifully sitting in the theatre doing homework and the like, meeting my cast mates and friends as I tinkered around backstage.

This night, I spent more time flitting around asking advice than I did focusing on my lines.  I was a nervous little monkey, I was.  I didn’t want to hurt the boys feelings, and I couldn’t figure out how to react when he would try to present me with his “gift”.

After several hours of listening to me ramble about my dilemma (some dilemma, yeah?), I was once again freaking out to my best friend and hysterically begged her for advice on what to do.  “But what do I do if he tries to kiss me!?!?!” I had shrieked at her.

And in a move that will cause her to live in my heart with great fondness forever, she very calmly put her hands on my shoulder to stay my incessant bouncing around, looked me dead in the eye, and said, “You kiss him back.”

Hmm.  Interesting concept.

Later, the boy and I were taking a break outside, in a little spot that was quiet and away from the rest of the actors, by the giant whirring air conditioning unit next to the humanities building.  I knew it was coming.  He had that look in his eyes, you know? I was rambling away nervously, still tossing the idea of this whole “kiss him back” notion in my head, trying to filter through every file in my brain to see if there was something there that made me think of him as more than just a friend.

I was in the middle of the world’s longest run on sentence, detailing the highlights of the cast Green Room, and I could feel it building.  My heart was racing, my palms sweating, my eyes darting around like I was having a stroke or something, and right when I was in the middle of singing the praises of the green velvet couch it happened.

All I got out was “Cou–” and then there he was.  The kiss.

It all stopped.  And I mean everything.  The racing heart, the panic, the edge of hysteria, all gone.  As well as everything else in the entire world.  People could have been standing around us, or metors landing at our feet, or the the humanities building could have exploded.  I wouldn’t have known.  Or cared.

It was the most incredible moment I had ever experienced.  I’d never known that a kiss could feel that way, or that anything could knock the planet off it’s axis so completely.  Or that something could manage to actually shut me up.

I remember everything about that day.  I remember the clothes we were all wearing.  I remember the way the sun felt against the cold February air as my friend and I walked to Walgreens to buy that rose.  I remember how the green room smelled.  And yet, after that kiss, I couldn’t tell you a single thing that happened.  Maybe the meteors came down after all.

Ten years later, I find myself married to that boy, with a beautiful daughter, and a house full of critters.  Ten years.  An entire decade launched from a single kiss.  One that at the time, I had convinced myself I wasn’t really amenable to.  A life, a family, a child, an entire new world created by that foot popping kiss.  It is an unreal prospect, one that no one involved would have ever imagined to come from it all.

Today, as I sit around, loving on my little family, I can’t pull my head out of the clouds of that moment.  Watching that boy take our little girl out for a Daddy/Daughter day, and feeling proud as he opens the gifts I gave him, or his giant smile as he fawns over the card and chocolate heart his baby picked out for him.

And it all came from a single kiss.

Happy Valentines Day everyone.

Until next time,

Peace, Love, and Musical Roses

Aloha my loves!

It is, uh, snowy.  Like, wicked snowy.  Although I feel a bit bad saying that because I know several of my cross-country friends that are all but living in igloos at the present time.  But yeah, snow.  Lots of it.  Lola just got healthy enough to go back to school, and now she will miss tomorrow because of the dreaded white stuffs.

A disclaimer that I actually love snow.  Is pretty, and silent, and makes me think of snowmen.  Who doesn’t like a good snowman??  But I prefer it when I don’t have to go out into it, when it doesn’t turn my car into a slip-sliding projectile, and when it doesn’t cancel my tots school so that I am stuck home with a bored child and no hope of even getting out to get “rainy” day supplies.

Like many people, I sat and watched the Super Bowl this weekend with the hubs.  And by watched, I mean I sat and worked on that confounded Max chapter that has had me up in arms for weeks, and looked up for the commercials.  Go Colts.  Maybe that is why they lost…  My inattentive fandom fell flat??  Sorry Peyton and the boys, I was preoccupied.

Anyway, one of the commercials, most of which really blew this year, was for Bud Light I believe, and consisted of a woman having a book club meeting where her significant other/boyfriend/husband or whatever is getting ready to fly out the front door, lest he get stuck in a mess of chick lit talk.  However, just as he sprints for freedom, he notices that there is a bucket of Bud light on ice on the coffee table.

He then starts handing out bottles, shimmying his way onto the couch between the lady readers, and mockingly pretends to be interested in the story while the point is that, yeah, there for the brews, all the while making innuendos to all the gals looking shocked.

I didn’t like this commercial.  There are the reasons such as I find it rude that book clubs be mocked which I don’t see the reason other than it is something other than football and other cool kid hobbies, therefore making it a target.  Or the fact that the guy didn’t give a crap about it being special to his gal pal that he would weasel in there to grab a Bud which I am sure she would have happily given him without needing to mess up her little get together.

All that stuff is being over examined just for discussion here, as I didn’t think about any of it until after i had stewed about the commercial for a while.

No, what irked me straight away about this little spot was that this dude was supposed to be living with this woman, and he comes down, busts up her party, and then openly flirts with all the other women right in front of her.  I mean, flat out, piggishly hits on them, all the while they look appalled.

Perhaps I am over-sensitive or similar, but honestly, it immediately left a bad taste in my mouth.  You don’t see television ads where women bust into football parties, and start hitting on all the guys in front of her husband and ruin their game-time fun.

Don’t get me wrong, I get that the whole point is that beer is to be sold to football watchin’ men-folk with that commercial.  But I have to believe there is a way to do that without insulting and demeaning women in that way.  Somehow, I feel I would have been less upset if it had just been a bunch of bikini-clad hoochers writhing in a kiddie pool filled with chocolate pudding and bottles of beer.

That is just a straight line objectification, which in it’s own right is a bit offensive I suppose, but this seemed to not just objectify this woman, but humiliate and mock the hell out of her the entire time.

Just my two-unrequested-cents on the subject.  Not that those are worth much, the exchange rate appears to be a bit low lately…

I must be off, fighting the last weeks Lola icks myself and need some sleep, and to get the last few paragraphs of that evil chapter set and done.

I hope you all are having an awesome, out of the snow, kind of week!!

Until next time,

Peace, Love, and Personally I Prefer Landsharks!

Hello my loves!

I was thinking all morning how this snow that has been forewarned all week was a big fat FAIL as we were supposed to have many inches by the time I woke up, and there was not in fact, even a single flake.

Now, of course, the sky as opened up and vom’ed the white stuff hard and fast all over everything.  Teehee.

This is perfectly fine and all, as even if I had needed to venture out into the blizzard, I couldn’t thanks to being on total Mommy lock-down this week due to a sick Puddin’.  Looks like we are battling the flu, and with the pediatricians brilliant words of, “It’s a virus, just wait it out.”  Well, thank you for that sage wisdom.  This does little to comfort anyone when I am getting woken up by a sickly, pitiful three year old every hour in the middle of the night because her nose is running, her eyes are leaking, and she can’t stop coughing.  And there isn’t a bloody thing I can give her for it.

At the ped’s advice, we have been giving bits of Mucinex, with little or no improvement.  I hate the sick kidlet pain.  At one point she even said, “Mommy, help me!” and I am pretty sure that a piece of my soul died at that moment.  Serious parental owie.

In other, less phlegm covered areas of my life, I am a total failure as a “writer”.  Blah.  I was set to get out the final chapter of Mackenzie this last weekend, and instead, it morphed into Max having at least two more chapters, and me not getting anything posted.  So yeah, I suck.  Like, a lot.  Back to the grind this weekend, and determined to get it done.

I have been having issues lately trying to keep things focused.  Clearly.  I get frustrated because, honestly, things are always very hard in my head.  Not that this makes me special somehow, I get that.  It’s just, I try to be the sanest, best me I can, but it is like swimming upstream all the time.

Sometimes, I think of how wonderful it would be to just release, and give in to all the crazy things my brain tells me to do.  It would be so much easier, you know?  Just embracing the fact that I want to count things, and say things I shouldn’t, or watch the same movie fifteen times a day without having to tell myself to freaking stooooooooooooooooop.

But that would be bad.  And I know that, and I would never just give in, but at the same time, I get a little bitter because it makes everything so damn difficult.  Exhausting.

I am quite overwhelmed, and I believe this is what has had me stumped on Max, among other things.  I try to work out how to do everything perfectly, and get so crowded in my head that I end up getting nothing done on anything.  Once the flood hits, I am good for nothing at all.

So my goal right now is to find a way to be the best Mommy/wife/daughter/writer/ME that I can, but while keeping the balance throughout.  A bit of a challenge for me to not try and be the supreme being in every area, but to just be as perfect as I am capable whilst still retaining sanity.

I feel like I have been wasting so much time, trying to figure out how to get everything done, and the result is that i have gotten nothing done.

However, at this moment, I am going to flee and crawl into bed.  Why?  Because Sicky Sickerson is sleeping, and well, she hasn’t allowed me much sleep this week.  Or herself for that matter, lol.

Electric blanket, sleeping baby and a blizzard sounds dreaaaaaaamy.  Now, if I could just get the hubs home, I would be in sheer heaven!!

I hope you all are having a spiftastic Friday!!

Until next time,

Peace, Love, and The Flow

Hello my dears!!

I just stuffed myself stupid with Chinese food.  Thought I would share that.  Like so satisfied right now.

I am working to finish Mackenzie this weekend.  It is the master plan and all, but today was a literary FAIL in that I never even opened the file up.  Not so much as a letter written today.  Dang.  However, I was productive and Drew and I managed to deep clean the living room and move furniture around, so domestic WIN.

I know I said I was going to be awesome and save my spa gift certificate that my mommy gave me for Christmas as a reward for finishing Max, but I felt (Read: convinced self) that my hair hatred was sucking out my creativity, one follicle at a time, so in the interest of getting my inspiration on, I thought that getting a nice massage and a new ‘do would clear my mind to write.

Deep tissue massage is like my new favorite thing, EVER.  I am a huge fan.  If I could find some way to convince my insurance to pay for this, i would be way psyched, lol.  It was lovely.  I was laying there, relaxed to all hell, thinking I have the coolest mommy of all time, lol.

The hair thing.  Hmph.  I don’t know what is with my luck with stylists lately, but it is not going my way.  I have been very over my current hair style for a while, so I picked something way different, literally taking weeks to pick the perfect style, and was so excited to get it.

Somehow, the hair gods conspired against me and, I am still not sure how this happened, but I ended up with the exact same hair cut I was trying to get away from.  Like, how did that happen!?!?!

So I am a bit bummed about it.  It isn’t that it looks bad I guess, it is just I am now stuck with something I had been really working to get away from for a few months.  Boo.

Just for reference, in case I haven’t mentioned it, my kid is effing cute.  Like, constantly want to squeeze her till she breaks adorable.  Thought I would mention.

Okay, before this gets too ADD, I have one more random thing to mention, and that is I soooo miss my Sara and my Betsy.  No Betsy on the horizon, but I am looking obsessively forward to the release of Eclipse in June because my Sara is coming to seeeeeee me!!!!!  Right after my birthday even!!!  This is bringing me ridiculous amounts of joy!!!

Alright, I am off.  Gonna Bones with the hubs here in a bit before bed, and have to get in the Max state of mind to rock out the many thousands of words I need to rock out tomorrow.  Final chapter man, FINAL!!!!

I hope you all are having a stupendous weekend!!!

Until next time,

Peace, Love and Moo Shu Shrimp!!!!

Hiddy ho, peoples!!

Yesterday morning, I got up before dawn, and this was after a night of having not slept, like, at all.  I would assume my insomnia had to do with the countdown to the scary CT thing on Friday morning.  It became harder and harder to sleep all week, actually.  Even though I wasn’t actively panicking, and was again, sure of my well-being, it was right there in the subconscious, waiting to frack with me at every moment.

Off to the CT I went!  I was exhausted, and couldn’t have anything to eat or drink, so was also wicked thirsty.  Had to sit in the big hospital waiting room thing, and listened to music on my iPhone while playing a darts App, lol.  Was doing pretty okay until I saw this older fella walking by wheezing and attached to an oxygen tank.  Certainly a reach from my current prospect, but it incited panic nonetheless.

There I sat, fiddling obsessively with my rings, eyes tearing up, with other patients staring at me like I was about to freak out or similar…

Lab Tech lady came back to get me, and things went downhill there too.  She acknowledged that i was there for a lung scan, I made a comment about being 28 and in for a cancer check, so weee.  She very peppily told me that finding something wasn’t a big deal, it could just be calcification or something.  I explained that we had found it a year ago, been watching it, and it had started to grow.  You know what she did?  She actually stopped walking.  Like, froze mid-stride, looked at me, and said, “Oh.”  After a tremendously awkward silence, started walking again, and led me into the CT room.

How effing reassuring.  By that point, I was not feeling my best.

The CT had the awesome bonus of making my have an IV.  I hate needles yo.  Even worse was they used the same vein I’d had the blood tests done on two days before, so it was still all bruised and hurty itself, which made the IV insertion freaking ow-tastic.

The Tech gal told me the dye they were going to give me would make me feel hot all over, have a taste like bad pennies in my mouth, and that I had piddled myself.  Swell.

They get me in the machine, and I am thinking, hey, this isn’t too bad, I didn’t feel or taste any of that stuff, so yay me!  Few moments later, she comes out and informs me that she is about to give me the dye.  Crap.  I thought she already had.  Turns out they needed one with the stuff, one without.  Aces.

Seconds later, I was indeed burning all over, had the flavor of like, rotting pennies on my tongue, and most pleasantly, felt as though I had just tinkled myself, all while being stuck in a somewhat claustrophobic scanner thingie.

Emo Summer was back in full force, and after the test, I was a tense as can be, but I still had errands and the like to take care of.  Went to visit my mommy, which always makes Emo Summer feel better, lol.  Drew had a freelance job last night, so I knew Lola and i would have a long day together, so I went out and got lots of fun little things for her and I to enjoy.  Was trying very hard to force the joy into my day so I wouldn’t be Emo Mommy as well.  After all, nothing is quite as lovely as making Rice Krispie Treats with ones three year old cutie patootie, yeah??

After my shopping, i was driving to pick Lola up from school, trying to pep myself up before I got there, and my cell rang.  It was the doc.  My first instinct was to freak out.  I had spoken to them only two hours before and they said I wouldn’t get my results until Monday.  So if they were calling early, it had to be because of something bad, right?

The nurse told me that she and the others had been worried about me all week because, quite frankly, they all knew what it sounded like it would be with my lung.  My heart fell out of my ‘tocks when she said that, at the same time I was choking up that they were worried about me.  Oh, and was driving, lol.

When they got the results, she said that they pushed them through to the doc so that they would know and be able to tell me what was up. Was loving me some nurse lady at that moment.

And then it was all over.  My whole week, my whole year actually, of cancer panic, was just *poofed* away.  Thing in my lung was identified, and found to be completely harmless!!  The name was a something-noma, lol, but I brain farted it right out in the happy moment.  Not only did it mean no cancer now, but I don’t even have to watch the little devil every three months anymore!!

So there it is.  One year, three cancer scares, and now, they are all completely gone.  The tonsil issue last year, and the skin issue were both resolved, but this lung thing, even though I hadn’t been freaking about it until last Monday, was still there and annoying.  But now, all of the ridiculous scary bits of 2009 have come to a bitchin’ close.

Of course, now, having gotten the universal all clears, I feel like a total ass for letting myself get all wigged out each time.  Teehee….

And now, I am about to break off a piece of writing whoop-ass and finish Mackenzie.  There are very few things that clear ones brain, and put as bouncy a spring in ones step as getting a call saying that you don’t in fact, have cancer.

My goal is to git-er-dun now, and then next week, reward myself by using this wicked gift card that my lovely Mommy got me for Christmas to a spa.  I am thinking a massage and a completely new ‘do are in order to toast off my book and my new, and improved year!  Now, if I could just find a cut I like…

BUT, I cannot partake in the spa fun unless I get Max sewn up, so I better get moving!!

I hope you all are having a top notch kinda week, and that your weekend is starting off right!

Until next time,

Peace, Love, and 2010 FTW!!!!!!

Good evening my dears!

I have the worst headache today.  Just like, always there, right behind my eye, pissing me off, lol.  Hate those.

I woke up this morning, and it seems that I didn’t sleep very soundly, or was like wicked stressed in my sleep because I felt like I had been hit by a bus.  My whole body felt bruised, it was weird.  When I stood up, things were cracking and popping.  I loathe getting older and sounding like Rice Krispies when I get out of bed.  Is redonkulous really.

Add in that when I went to sit with Lola this morning, my lung was whistling.  W.  T.  F??  Sent a bit of a scare in me, but then I snapped out of it and remembered that this has been happening for many months, so like, clearly have not developed lung cancer over night.

I hate all this.  Worse I hate that the obsessive side of me is very noisy in the background.  My sensible self knows, and can totally feel that there is nothing wrong with me, well lung wise, lol, but the little voice that frets the days away won’t STFU.  Not enough to make me constantly think about shiz, but enough to disrupt the background in my head.  Bugger.

Tomorrow I have my blood draw thing.  This is never a fun thing for me, as I friggin’ hate needles, yo.  What makes this eleven shades of intolerable is the fact that the nurse man at my docs office is an asshat.  You heard me right.  An asshat.  He is that jerkface little kid on the playground that thinks the way to flirt with a girl is to push her down and make her cry.

This is the guy that last time I had blood drawn, started mocking Twilight and whilst the needle was still in my arm, took one of the vials of fresh blood, and shook it in my ear and then in my face so I could hear the sloshing, since I ingeniously told him that it was the gushing sound that bothered me the most when the blood was being taken.  See, I thought this would help him to understand that I was about to freak out, but instead, he took it as an invitation to be so *not* funny.

Tomorrow morning is destined to be not fun.  Either I will have to put up with asshat nurse blood taking guy torturing me, or I will end up in prison for strangling the bastard to death with a blood pressure cuff.  Either way, not ideal.

I am supposed to be writing.  I was supposed to have JUST published the final chapter of Mackenzie last night according to the schedule, however, thanks to my clouded brain, that is full of epic fails, I didn’t get my chapter out last week, nor did I manage to get it out even yesterday.  My goal was to have Max finished by the end of January, and to do that, I kind of need to get off my fuzzy brain cloud and make that happen.

The sad thing is that I actually have two thirds of this chapter done, but I am stuck on the last 2000 words or so that lead into the final chapter, which I find to be crucial.  Plus, I think the part I do have written is lacking a bit of personality.  I need to have someone read it and see if they feel it too, I think.

I want so badly to do this story justice when it ends.  I hate that it got clouded out by injuries and health issues, and house drama, and moving, and moving, and all sorts of other nonsense that plagued last year, and I worry I lost the book somewhere.  I want to end it the way it deserves to be ended.  I was so ridiculously proud of the story when it started, the way the first chapters flowed out so perfectly, I loved it.  I wish I had the extra room in my brain to give Max what she deserves, lol.

Alrighty.  I need to be off to beg hubs to rub my broken back, and to try and lay out the last few bits of this effing chapter before it melts my brain.

I hope you all are having a lovely and fantastic week!!

Until next time,

Peace, Love, and Asshats!!!

Hello dearies!

Well, today I received my first official FAIL of 2010.

It seems that neither my lung, nor my doctor read my Epic Year In Review blog, and decided to punch my in face this morning.

Literally within the first five minutes of me being conscious this morning, my phone rang and it was my docs office saying that they had gotten back the chest x-ray I had taken last week.  See, I get these chest x-rays because last year, they discovered a nodule growing in my left lung.

That was cancer scare number two of 2009.

So, they checked it, rechecked it and said i would need to have an x-ray done every three months to make sure the little bastard wasn’t growing, as that is a big bad deal they say.

I went regualrly, had all my x-rays like a good little girl, and each time, the thing was the same size.  Aces!

Last week I had one scheduled, and they said that since it had been a whole year, that when this one came back saying it was still the same size, then maybe I would only have to get the x-rays once every six months.  Keep in mind this would be for the rest of my life, but still.  Was a nice feeling, lol.

Then they call this morning.  I expected the usual, “All clear!” but not so much.  Turns out the little bastard has grown in the last three months, and the way they tell it, it has grown quite a bit.

SOOOO not the way I want to start my Monday.  Like, at all.

She went into the details of needing to come in and see the doc, and go get blood work done, and then they scheduled me this ink CT thing so they can try and see if it is a tumor, cancer, whatever.  Honestly, I don’t remember much of what she said about the appointments.  Gonna have to call and ask what time all but the CT one are.  My brain was a bit preoccupied at the time.

I was concerned when she told me that they wanted to get me in ASAP, but they couldn’t fit me in until Friday, unless I wanted to travel to another hospital to have it done.  I was like, is it really that big a rush?  Way to add pressure, dang.  I opted for the Friday appointment, because, well, besides being a magnet for health issues, I am also crazy, and my OCD sternly dictates that I don’t travel to places i have never been.

So, doc and blood test on Wednesday, what time I have no idea, lol, and CT ink thing on Friday morning.  Stellar layout for a week.

I am just so OVER all of it.  Three weeks into the year, and there is a cancer scare.  SRSLY!?!?!?!?!  Like, was there nothing else to lob at me to keep me on my toesies??  I don’t want it.  Because even though in my head I know that it is all perfectly okay, you know that no matter how sensible you think about those things, there is that little voice in your head that starts screaming, “WHAT THE FUCK *IF*!?!?!?!!”

While I was planning on blogging today to chatter about my chapter and a fun new story I am working on, instead I am unleashing the wild emo into the interwebz instead.

I hate that I had a moment of fear wondering if 2009 was the year of the cancer scare, does that mean that 2010 is the year of the Cancer??  See, emo.  Wah, wah, wah.

Whatever.  I am annoyed by my fretting.  It is stupid to spend the whole time, post phone call, panicking about the could be’s, when everything will in fact be okay, as it always is.  And that is what I am going with.

I really hope your Monday’s started better than mine, like REALLY hope, lol.

Until next time,

Peace, Love, and Come On 2011!!!!!

Howdy dears!!

Is Saturday, and thus, is writing day.  I am so dead set and determined to get this book finished before the end of January, so I am trying to be disciplined, lol.

At the moment, I am trying to relax my brain into writing mode, which apparently involves sitting, listening to my usual playlist, blogging, and eating Gobstoppers.

I also find that feeling spunky helps the brain flow a bit better, so I am tempted to hop up and actually gussy up a bit, like put on makeup and what not.  Why does this help?  No clue.  Makes me feel a bit more confident or something, lol.

We have an ACAW Twitter set up, and I am always so afraid to use it.  We have some authors following us and that we follow, and I will occasionally post things about the chapters, or just little things I am thinking while writing, and I seriously panic that the other writers will look at me and scream, “FRAUD!!!”

Like, it is weird to consider myself someone who writes, more like I am someone who *wants* to be a writer.  Without knowing how the stories are being received, I worry there is a big target on my head from the real writers of the world, making me open to the mockery of my sad ass literary skills, lol.

Speaking of my sad ass skills, I am already gearing up to whore Mackenzie out as much as humanly possible in the coming weeks.  As soon as she is finished, I am going to proof and correct, a lot of both to be done dang it, and then I am going to push the poor girl on any agent that will read my queries.

I feel I should mention that I am DREADFUL at proofing and editing.  Like abysmal.  I get too excited and read instead of look, and miss a whole bunch.  For WASOHH, I had the Twitter Fairy edit, and it went well, but not sure if real life will allow such a thing now.

I am also crap at query writing.  I mean, total crap.  I have been brainstorming a proper letter since the first chapter of Max, and still have nothing viable.  It is certainly a lot harder than it sounds, but it really is a tough thing to do.  You have one solid paragraph to be able to catch an agents eye.  Then, if you keep them reading beyond that, you have to use the second paragraph to explain your book in the most intriguing way, but not too much so it comes off excessive.

I find this particularly difficult as, well, I write.  It is in my nature to be ridiculously long winded.  Being short and concise is not something that comes all that easily, lol.

But I am jazzed about it.  Because I think Max is good.  Not all brilliant maybe, but there are a few spots in there that when I read them again, I find myself dying to know what happens next.  Is a weird feeling to realize that I actually have to *write* it before I can read it and all.

So I have to doctor it up.  There are a ton of little things, like the fact that a few chapters in, I changed the story from present tense to past, lol.  Or, I would get excited and in one chapter, had like three characters repeat the same dialogue, lol.  See, THIS is why authors don’t post their stuff as they go.  Leaves one very open to mistakes.  But it will be lovely and polished in the end.  Not that anyone will see it probably after the fact.  Like, WASOHH is all cleaned up, and I even re-wrote a chapter or two, but when it is post-posting, it kind of stays invisible.

Again, why most people would be smart enough to keep their stuff hidden until it shines, LOL.  But I am an impatient person I guess!!

Okay, enough rambling.  I remember when my blogs used to have actual flow to them, lol.  I have a goal of getting back to all that one day.  My scheduled blogging.  Ahh, the good old days!!

I hope you all are having an awesome weekend and are staying nice and warm!!!

Until next time,

Peace, Love, and Gobstopper’s!!!